I had hope. I had good reason for having hope. I had very little reason to doubt, well maybe there were a few red flags but I had enough reasons to ignore them. It was there in the distance and I was lined up for my landing. I was sure I heard the tower, a bit faint and there was some static but still I was sure it was time for me to leave my Holding Pattern (click for last week’s post) and land.
I thought that last week’s post would be inspirational for those who were waiting. I thought it would encourage them to hold on a little longer. I thought that this week’s post would be proof that the one who arranges the flightpaths of everyone does eventually give permission to land at your destination. I am still in a holding pattern with no permission to land.
If you are easily discouraged don’t read on.
There are times that you know that something won’t work. It doesn’t matter how much you want it, how much you prove you can handle it, how much you have all the details worked out, God makes it so that you just know it isn’t for you. This wasn’t one of those times. I knew that it was a perfect fit. I knew that I could be an agent of positive Godly change. I knew that in spite of the five hour round trip and the health issues that I face every day, God was calling me to put down my landing gear, line up the runway and start my descent. Then someone cut in on the landing instructions and sent me back to a holding pattern.
The holding pattern most likely isn’t even for that destination.
I did all I could. The sermon went great. The proposal presentation and Q&A couldn’t have gone better. Those who know me, know I would rarely if ever say such positive things about myself. I am far too hard on myself to use this type of language and yet I just did which means something must have gone well.
It doesn’t matter how it went. There was no unity, no consensus so the voice from the tower said, “Abort the landing and return to a holding pattern, new instruction to follow.”There have been no new instructions, no new runway to land on, no new destination to head to, just me, alone, stuck in a holding pattern.
Runway or Runaway?
I am ready to give up. Part of me says wait there could be another runway, another destination. The rest of me says runaway, forget a destination, forget trying to find a place to land, just fly until you run out of fuel and crash-land there. Wherever there is, you will end up better off than flying around in this holding pattern. Once you are on the ground you will never have to worry about permission to land. You will never find yourself flying around in a holding pattern wondering what needs to be done to get permission to land. Once you crash-land you can do what you want. You will no longer have to wait for any instructions you can just do what you feel you need to do.
It may not be running away but it will be a break from this holding pattern.
You will see this post the day after the first of two neck procedures done approximately one month apart twice every year. Because of this I will get a little break, after all I can’t really work at peak performance on painkillers that only address half the pain. I guess I am running away, not by choice but by circumstance. Once that circumstance is over I will have a choice to make. Will I stay a runaway or will I return to the holding pattern waiting for a runway? Finances or lack thereof say runaway. State of mind says runaway. The amount of time stuck in this holding pattern says runaway. My body and its various health issues says runaway. Even some of my friends say runaway. Stability is on the ground not flying around in a holding pattern so even logic says runaway until you crash-land, finally coming to rest on solid ground.
The decision is a tough one but whether I continue to look for a runway or runaway…
Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. Psalm 139:7-12 (NIV)