He Knows

He knows he can’t take it any longer

He knows hope is almost gone

He knows there is no more money

He knows he can’t go on

He knows his wife loves him

He knows what this would do

He knows he couldn’t live without her

He knows she feels the same way too

He knows where the gun and ammunition is

He knows because he has placed it in his mouth

He knows it’s just a starter’s pistol and blanks

He knows this plan won’t work out

He knows that people love him

He knows but can’t understand

He knows who he really is inside

He knows he’s much less of a man

He knows he has more than enough pills

He knows it would finally be done

He knows he needs to pick a time and day

He knows because the plans have begun

He knows the scripture verses

He knows all the various platitudes

He knows that others want to help

He knows but suicide is what he concludes

He knows what is deep inside of him

He knows there is a dark vault

He knows that it is full of blame

He knows he has made everything his fault

He knows he has some twisted thinking

He knows he believes a lie

He knows but that doesn’t seem to matter

He knows he wants to die

We know we want to stop him

We know something needs to be said

We know if we can just say the right words

We know he might not end up dead

The truth is not that simple

The solution not that quick

You may be in your right mind

But he is really quite sick

The distorted realities that many of us live. The demands for perfection than many of us place on ourselves. The traumas of the past and the fear of the future that plague many of us. The chronic pain and illnesses that many of us endure. The financial burdens that seem impossible to overcome. The relational voids that leave us alone and hopeless. The difference between contemplating suicide and carrying it out is getting help before it goes from being an option to being the only option.

Suicide is never a good choice. That being said it is time we as Christians stop turning it into the unforgivable sin. In a healthy state of mind we can understand that suicide is not an option that God desires us to take. The problem is that most people who commit suicide are not in a healthy state of mind. We would not condemn a Christian with Alzheimer’s for not understanding or living out the practices of a Christ follower. We would say their mind had lost its capacity to understand but their heart still belongs to God.

Neither I nor you can judge the mental capacity of the person who ends it all.  We must be willing to do all we can to prevent suicide. We must do all we can to remove suicide as an option to escape this life. That is our job as compassionate Christians who love others. The rest is in God’s hands. Judgment when it comes to eternity is a matter of the person’s heart and the grace of God. Let’s let God, in His perfection decide who had the capacity to make the right choice. Suicide is never a good choice but there are so many other things that we know aren’t good choices some of which (bad eating habits, driving recklessly, dangerous sports, just to name a few) also can lead to death.

 “…The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”1 Samuel 16:7 (NIV)

Note: it has been a very dark time in my life but with the help of a Christian counsellor I am digging into my dark vault full of distortions that have become a point of attack for Satan. I have been able to be more open about my struggles with my wife and, with God’s help and guidance, we will shine light into the darkness of the lies I have believed. I have also sought out better pain management which has eased the sleepless nights full of dark thoughts. There has to be someone out there who has gone or is going through this – please get help, suicide is never a good choice. My family will back me up on that!

10 comments

  1. I agree with Sandy’s comment. The poem was sad but good, and you brought out great points in your reflections. This week, I saw someone comment on a very heartfelt post about Jarrid–“Too bad you can’t go to heaven if you commit suicide.” A long conversation ensued from there. It shows how some Christians have become like Pharisees, clinging to “rules” and throwing the spirit of the law out the window. As you said–let God be the judge. I’m glad to hear you’re doing well, too.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you – I think the most dangerous thing about saying you can’t go to heaven if you commit suicide is not for the person judging but for the person who has used this as the only reason they don’t end it all. I know for me it was a way to stop myself from ending it all but at some point the overwhelming physical pain and the related mental illness, plus the past issues I had not addressed where so bad that I lost hope that I was going to heaven. In my darkest moments, I found myself wondering if God really loved me. Once you go there, the one thing that stops you from ending it all is gone. Getting help throughout my struggles has removed the belief that if I end it all I can’t go to heaven and replaced it with don’t end it all, there is hope. I may spend the rest of my life having to be reminded of this and having to seek help but it also took all of my life before this to get to this point – there is no magic bullet but there is a loving God who has a plan for me

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Dave you are such a wise man. your writings are inspirational. Love that you write how people can understand and connect. and i am sure you have touched many people and made them think twice. Thank you xo

    Liked by 2 people

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