It has been confirmed! A consortium of some of the largest churches in North America have been able to send satellites into orbit to carry out ministry related tasks. This week it was revealed that mapping has been completed, data compiled and the results are now available. Although it has been hypothesized for quite some time, without the high quality lenses, the large capacity computer cores and, most importantly, extensive financial resources there has been no way until now to definitively prove that the grass is measurably greener at some churches than at others.

To be able to ensure the accuracy of this research, the color green…

…had to be redefined to account for all North American churches. Included in the new definition of green are any colors that were related to parking lots/structures, facility roofing materials belonging to the sanctuary or campus of any church and materials making up the grounds developed or undeveloped, sports fields and areas designated as reflection and/or meditation on God’s creation space (hiking trails, rock climbing areas and skateboard parks). The total square footage of each green grass area was calculated using this newly defined color green. The final results revealed that there are considerable differences between the greenness of the grass at some churches when compared to others.

The scope of this research program has now been expanded.

Once it was confirmed that the grass is greener at some churches than others, the researchers wanted to compare the greenness of the grass at other facilities not considered Christian. Included were different religious and non-religious sites. The researchers were surprised at the results. Christians both practicing and non-practicing did not require the advanced technology of the large church space surveillance system to come to the conclusion that the grass appeared greener when observing other organizations and ways of life both religious (Christian and non-Christian) and secular. Many without advanced technology were drawn to other churches because of their larger green grass area and even to other religious and non-religious areas.

Perhaps the biggest surprise came when…

…the researchers abandoned their costly space surveillance system and began collecting data from those who identified as Christ followers, those who practiced another religion and those who identified as non-religious. The final statistics have not been released but the trend is astounding. The vast majority of those who responded to the question, “is the grass greener elsewhere?” answered yes. This is not surprising but what did surprise the researchers was the response to the next question. When asked, “do you believe the grass at all churches would be greener if the people in the churches adopted the practices and beliefs of other religions and non-religious people?” the percentage of those who identified as Christians, those who practiced another religion and those who identified as non-religion who answered yes was almost identical.

The grass is always greener somewhere else but it will not help.

Why do you go about so much, changing your ways? You will be disappointed by Egypt as you were by Assyria. You will also leave that place with your hands on your head, for the Lord has rejected those you trust; you will not be helped by them. Jeremiah 2:36-37 (NIV)

Please note: as far as I know there is no large church space surveillance system. There is no research into the greenness of church grass. There is no consensus on including any colors related to parking lots/structures, facility roofing materials belonging to the sanctuary or campus of any church and materials making up the grounds developed or undeveloped, sports fields and areas designated as reflection and/or meditation on God’s creation space. I am 94.2% sure that the tinfoil hat I am wearing has blocked the implantation of thoughts that would cause me to deny the existence of any of the above.