I have found myself asking this question a lot lately. Why God did you chose to do this to me? It isn’t a new thought but rather I have become more aware and even more engrossed in the quest to better understand why me? and I think I might be getting somewhere.

I have been away from blogging for a while.

Maybe I should rephrase that, in the last year or two I have been away from blogging for longer periods than I expected, always returning, insisting that this is the last long break but then I end up stopping again. I shouldn’t be too hard on myself. I work a full-time job 45-55+ hours a week. Maybe I should rephrase this too. I fulfill my calling which means other than the fact I expend physical and metal energy like any job, the similarities stop there. I have had the joy of leading worship, preaching, pastoring, and overseeing the transition of many churches, why me?

I have four Bible college courses and a few months at theatre school.

There is no reason I should be able to create and present biblically sound sermons every week. Maybe my theater background makes the presentation easier. Maybe the years I spent writing, directing and acting in shows lends itself to public presentations but there is much more to preaching and pastoring than a good show. Add to that my distain for practicing the piano growing up and the fact I was very nervous playing in front of people, blew my voice out and ended up with psoriatic arthritis and many other health issues I have to ask, why me?

The last year and a half proved to be more challenging than ever.

Something has been wrong, very wrong. It’s not like it was the first time. I have been tested numerous times over the last twenty-five years. Everything from MS to MG to Lupus, to cancer. The symptoms were so pronounced that even with scans and blood tests that ruled out some diseases and ones that suggested other diseases we always landed back on MS but with the assumption that there was more than one disease at play. Then it happened! After seeing every type of “…ologest” excluding the obvious, Gyn and Zoo, I received not one but two diagnoses. Immediately I was put on prednisone and appointments were made for IVIG and I was warned that I may not get better but maybe we could stop the progression.

 Why me? I thought to myself.

It wasn’t in the way that most people ask why me? I’ve been sick for a long time before I got really sick a year and a half ago. I, or should I say God, has taken every diagnosis and exceeded the limitations the doctors gave me by a long shot. So much so that I am often asked, “you’re not still working are you?” This time was different. As I said to a few people, for the first time in my life, I don’t think I am going to win this one. Why me I keep thinking?

I’m not feeling sorry for myself…

… it was and is the complete opposite. I don’t know how much longer I will be able to work. Actually, I don’t even know if I will still be able to walk or play the piano or even type. Why me, Lord, why did You bless me with so many giftings and talents. Why did You allow me the joy of pastoring and preaching, playing keyboard and leading worship, serving You and serving others and in such a public way? Why do You still allow me to continue even though my body no longer works the way it once did?  Why me?

Why me? Why not me?

God in His perfection decided that I, in my imperfection, should embark on this journey. I don’t know why; I just know that the same God who allows me to stand in a pulpit or at the keyboard has also allowed a sickness that may put me in a wheelchair.  Why me? To ask this is to ask, “what is my purpose in this life?” To find my purpose allows me to say, why not me?

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. Romans 5:1-5 (NIV)

Facebook post about this journey