It’s 11am, 4 days into our 5 day getaway, a break from life that was way overdue but also will be far too short. We will pack up tomorrow not only the clothes we brought, the wheelchair I now need and finally used almost all the time but also the memories of what I can only describe as what my marriage should have been every day for the last 37 years. Sadly, it has not been like this. I understand that not every day can be a holiday, but every day can be a great joy. I can face all that comes my way with God and my wife, the only person that I would ever want to face the good and more often the bad things that just are life.

Life and all its difficulties came to a standstill.

For a moment it was as if all the treatments didn’t exist and all the appointments were a few inconvenient and easy to overlook parts of life. We were in the moment; well, I was in the moment for the first time in a long time, something my wife is much more successful at than me. A missed pill, walking without my braces or cane, trying to navigate the hotel using a wheelchair and the fact that soon life will once again be filled with appointments and duties that seemed not to exist for the last 4 days, all try to take over how I perceived this wonderful time together.

Be present, be there in the moment, just be.

 When I return, I will start EMDR treatments for my PTSD. When I return, my wife and I will again look after my elderly mother who lives with us (hard but worth it). When I return, I will once again have to make appointments for new things that won’t go away and attend appointments for old things that will never go away. When I return, I will have to again pray about my future as a pastor, seek God’s plan so that I can balance the limitations that I now have with the passion and gifts that are still there. But I am here now. I am away from it all. Even with the reminders of how much life has changed I have had the best time with my best friend and life partner; I have had a chance to be me, to be present, to be in the moment, to just be and that is the best gift I can give myself and my wife.

It’s hard to stay in the moment.

In some cases, it is wonderful to dream of what may come and to reminisce about what has happened. For our twenty fifth wedding anniversary (2013) we had a night in Downtown Toronto at a luxury Hotel. We walked around the CN Tower, the Sky Dome (Rogers Centre) Ripley’s Aquarium and the old roundhouse. Those great memories have a sudden intruder. As we reminisce, we also remember that two weeks later something went horribly wrong with my body. The next time we were at the same location, I was in a wheelchair. We were in the moment dreaming about past wonderful moments, but reality is never far away.

Maybe the moment isn’t about the moment and the present not about the present.

Who we are is made up of who we were. We didn’t get to the moment; we didn’t arrive at the present without the baggage. Our current time away taught us that baggage gets more and more difficult to handle as life goes on especially when I cannot walk into the hotel and carry a bag or two like I once did. Still, we managed. We figured out that my lap was a great place to put a suitcase or two and the power assist on my wheelchair a great help compared to just carrying in the heavy bags.

Being in the moment, being present, is about carrying the baggage of the past and what will become baggage in the future into the resting place (hotel) of the present. It’s not about ignoring what has and will shape us. It’s about unpacking the cares and concerns of today, the pains and sorrows of all the yesterdays in the safety of the present, of the moment. It’s not about living in the triumphs and trials of what has happened or the fears and potential of what could be but rather surrounding ourselves with the peace of what is so that the triumphs and trials, fears and potential all are experienced as we are in the presence of God and each other no matter what was, what is, and what will be.

I left for our vacation hoping I could be present but…

…I will leave our vacation with a totally different understanding of what being present really is. I tried not to think about the life issues we are working through. I tried not to talk about the uncertainty of the future. I tried to be present as if being present negated ever being in the past or facing thinking about the future. I already have enough anxiety. I already deal with enough physical and emotional trauma. As we prepared to leave, I faced a new fear of destroying our time away with the overwhelming anxiety of the life I have lived and will continue to live. I tried to only look at what was happening, only think about the beautiful woman who is with me but not the pain of the journey we have been on and will continue for the rest of our lives.

I was wrong.

The past and the future are the present and to be in the present is to enjoy the moment not because you have forgotten where you came from or where you are going but rather you are where you are because of these things. We walked on the beach; I could not forget that my body no longer does walking well. We made our way onto the rocks on the shoreline; there was no question my body is messed up. We took a stroll on the walking path; one of us was rolling not strolling. We talked about the things that hurt us and gave us great joy in the past and the things we dream/have nightmares about in the future. We have been in the present the whole time. We have been in the moment and in that moment, we laughed, and we cried because life is made up of both. The present was/is the time we focus on us. Us is what we have done and dream of doing, good and bad, painful and joyful shared as we thank God that He has walked with us every step and will continue to walk with us right through the gates of Heaven.

This is the day the Lord has made; We will rejoice and be glad in it. Psalm 118:24 NKJV