My parents said, this concept was not a Christian way of living. It may be immortalized in a popular song, but it was fundamentally wrong. I didn’t place quotation marks around what they said for two reasons. First, I was too young to remember their exact words. Second, I am pretty sure my parents didn’t use words like fundamentally, immortalized or concept when explaining to a young boy why a song did not fit our belief system. 

We all did it our way. 

I can’t remember every detail of my childhood, but I can remember that I often found myself in trouble for doing things my way. Parenting, from my understanding, has significantly changed from when I was a child and even from when my wife and I raised our children. When I was growing up, self esteem was built and strengthened by not breaking the rules. When we raised our kids, I took the same approach but with a little more wiggle room. If I did it my way and it was not my parents’ way, look out, spare the rod spoil the child. When we raised our kids and they did it their way not our way, look out, we most often spared the rod, but we did not let the situation go unaddressed, we did not spoil the child. 

They do it their way. 

In an attempt to protect the weak offspring of this generation, if a child does it their way they are showing individuality and should not be corrected but rather encouraged. Many rods thank you as they have been spared. I have to admit, we made errors in the harshness of our responses to our children doing things their way as did our parents and their parents and so on back through the generations. Today’s parents respond to their children doing things their own way by doing parenting their way, a new way of self esteem protection.  I am generalizing in two ways. First, by saying today’s parents I am assigning behaviour to a narrow group as if no one before them and no one after them will commit this error. Second, I am unintentionally suggesting that all parents are parenting alike based on their generation. By admitting this I hope you will accept the point I am making even if there are exceptions.

My way isn’t always right. 

Not learning that doing it your way may not be the right way at a young age is to be set up for the biggest hit to your self esteem. Modern parenting sets out to guard the self esteem of those entrusted to them at a young age. This avoids hurt and tears of our cute little bundles of joy and let’s face it, when they are young and cute their tears can be like razorblades to our hearts. What is missed is the very actions taken to avoid “hurting” our children and damaging their self esteem, are the ones that will eventually destroy the self esteem of their young adult offspring.  

Teach your children well.

Another lyric from another song. Before we go any further, I am no way suggesting that you create a plan to parent your children based on popular songs. I am suggesting them so that teaching your children well is not telling them to do it their way but rather correcting they do it the right way even if it hurts their feelings. Hurting a child’s feelings when correcting them might appear like a hit to their self esteem but it’s actually building them up to face a world that will tear them down. 

Self esteem is like an immune system: it becomes stronger when it is exposed to things that aren’t always desirable but are necessary to make us resilient. I know that vaccines are now a very popular concept to attack but the premise and the history of vaccines such as the polio vaccine show that if you introduce the body to an irritant that is similar to the virus or a lower dose of the virus you are trying to defeat, the immune system will respond by creating a way to fight back. If you do not, if you let the body say I will do it my way, there is no strength to fight the real world, the real virus when it comes knocking later in life. A loving parent exposing their children to the irritant of not being able to always do it their way when they are young is the best way to prepare them for the real world when it comes knocking later in life. 

I did it God’s way. 

I think we (maybe just me) take for granted that God is also referred to as our father. We know it and even use the name father, but we do not fully comprehend the example set for us. I would not go as far as to say God doesn’t care if we feel bad about ourselves but I will suggest that God is willing to call us out when we “do it our way” even if our self esteem takes a hit. Might I suggest that God is actually disciplining us so we will feel good about who we are becoming, so that we will seek to please our father, so that we will want to do it God’s way. I believe the Bible suggests that God loves us so much that He doesn’t consider how we feel over who we will become because He loves us enough to not be swayed by our tears when we are corrected for doing it my way. 

… have you completely forgotten this word of encouragement that addresses you as a father addresses his son? It says, “My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son.” Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as His children. For what children are not disciplined by their father? If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Hebrew 12:5-11 (NIV)