…greatly exaggerated. I really don’t know if anyone reported my death and if they did, I don’t know if they embellished anything other than the untrue statement that I had died. Yes, I have not blogged a lot. I have written weekly emails to the church I pastored during their transition, some of which will make great future blogs but that was the limit of what I could do. Writing blogs, as much as I enjoy it, is not something I could continue to do and still complete my transitional pastor calling. I did not die, I guess that is obvious by the existence of this new post, but I did struggle with some very serious health problems that have shown me that I may have been greatly exaggerating my own death.

In the past…

… I have shared some of my journey. When as a metaphor for biblical concepts it added depth, I would open up a little and share. Not too much, not too little but just enough to make the point that God was the source of all my strength and, if we allow Him to work through us we can do all things through Christ who gives us strength (see Philippians 4:13 (NIV)). Here is the problem. In the past I could accomplish many things far beyond the doctors’ expectations. Just a quick glance at how much was being done pointed to something at work beyond me. It wasn’t hard to give God the glory, to brag of His greatness. One could easily conclude that God was working through a fully surrendered follower. I was dead to self, to my sin-nature and alive to Christ. If someone pointed out my accomplishments, I would happily proclaim that God, not me, was why I kept going, that my own strength was depleted but my Creator, carried me to places I could not imagine. The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated, possibly by me.

It isn’t that I was trying to make myself look more Godly…

… well maybe just a bit. I think many in ministry fall on one side or the other. We either make it sound like we can’t do much without God or that God can’t do much without us. Neither is right. Non-believers accomplish great things without any allegiance to a higher power. Believers accomplish great things in the name of God that were the fulfillment of their own desire in their own strength not God’s plan. Sinful, self-promoting actions come from the evil of our worldly nature whether we are Christ followers or atheists. I would even go as far as to say that dying to oneself is not limited to Christians but rather is the mark of anyone who wants to serve a greater good. While they may not see dying to oneself as a concept for their life, they will often sacrifice their own needs and desires while implementing actions that elevate the lives of others. They may not see themselves as sinful so they would never say they are dead to sin. They may not believe in a God so they would never say they were alive to Christ. They, however, do see a need to serve others just like we who follow Christ are called to do. Some give the glory to God. Others take it for themselves. Some simply believe in ideologies of goodness being the outcome of evolution and enlightenment. Dying to oneself or at least giving up some things so you can serve others, as counterintuitive as it may seem, can be a selfish act of self-promotion easily covered if you are a Christian with a dead to self, mantra. The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated, possibly by me.

Am I dead to self or…

…dead to self reflection? As my health has declined and I am limited in what I can do, I have come to realize that the reports of my death are greatly exaggerated. Yes, I am at fault although I think that is a little harsh. Maybe it is better to say that I am not dead enough to my own sin nature to realize that the reports of my death are greatly exaggerated. I have always defined God’s greatness in terms of my weakness. Sounds biblical but it really isn’t. The pitfall in this thinking is the reliance on the level of weakness I endure. I can be strong, accomplishing much, and say it is God working through me. I can be weak but still accomplishing some things and say it is God working through me. The question is, can I be unable to do things and still say God is working in me and therefore through me even though I appear to be accomplishing nothing? 

The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated when I define my life by what is accomplished through me rather than in me.

In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. (Romans 6:11NIV) this is not a one time action but an ongoing struggle. To live for Christ is to die to oneself and the first step of dying to oneself is to let Christ define what being alive to Him really means. At some point in your life you will, by submission or by age or illness have to come to grips that living for Christ cannot rest on what you do or you will be greatly exaggerating your death.