Before I go any further, I want to make a few things clear. First, I am not a silver lining type of guy. I do not try to find the good in the bad or try to look for the light in the darkness. While it is a good practice to be thankful and to remind oneself that God is at work, I don’t think that every situation has some type of good in it at least good that we can see this side of heaven. Second, I have always had a great marriage. People have commented on how in love we are and how we interact with each other. Third, I hate two “T” words, trigger and trauma. These words have been stolen from those who have had real trauma and suffer because of real triggers, your coffee being served to you cold is most likely not a trigger of past trauma. Why are these important points for me or at least why were these points important for me to make before you read on…?

A few nights ago, I was praying with my wife before we went to sleep.

This in itself wasn’t new to us but rather it had recently returned from a hiatus, a long hiatus. While I do agree that praying together strengthens a marriage, I am not sold on the idea that it is necessary or commanded by God as the only way to be in a Christian marriage. That being said, what we discovered was both of us thought the other had an great devotional life. The truth was we both were lacking at least in comparison to what we now have gained by placing the day that has passed and days that are coming into the hands of God together before we sleep.

Thank you, God, for allowing me to get sick.

A strange prayer, one that might shine light on why we didn’t always pray together. I pray strange prayers. I actually say a lot of strange things as well but once in front of God with my wife one would think I would not offer up such an odd prayer. I was serious. I am so thankful that God made me sick. Remember I said I’m not a silver lining type of guy and I have always had what people would call a great marriage. Now the why. Thank you, God, for my sickness because it has changed my marriage for the better.

It took a lot more than a rare progressive but not deadly disease.

It has been just shy of two years since I was finally diagnosed with CIDP. Standard treatments were not working, and I was getting worse. On top of all that, other issues were rearing their ugly heads. I woke up in the middle of the night with such pain in my back that I could not sleep. I went downstairs, took an assortment of prescription painkillers and lay on the couch as my wife held me. The pain was so bad that I begged God to take my life. It finally eased but it was a traumatic event for both of us. Later that month I started getting chest pains and my heart rate slowed to elite athlete numbers (maybe a little below). I am no elite athlete. Things did not look good and again death was in the conversation. This time it was not me begging for death but me begging to live.

Triggered, Trauma, in need of treatments.

Two people coming face to face with disease, with pain, and with unanswered questions can lead to two people coming together to face what they could not face alone. As if the health issues weren’t enough there was still more pain. This type of pain is not seen in a limp or a grimace, no, this pain showed up every month or two with a red face and a loud voice. Sometimes it lasted a few days, others a few minutes, it didn’t matter because when it reared its ugly head it could cause both of us more pain than anything I was going through. One night it came crashing down. It wasn’t the first time it got really bad, but it was the worst episode ever. Years of undertreated pain with even more years of unaddressed trauma were looking for a fuse to ignite the whole thing. The trigger isn’t really important and the traumas, well I’m not ready to talk about that right now but let’s just say my wife was afraid I was going to hurt myself, I wasn’t, but she thought so, so she put me in a hold. Weak from my disease, overwhelmed by a PTSD response I felt trapped and began to fight for my life. It’s all hazy but it was bad. I needed help to deal with being sick and I needed help with a past filled with hurt and trauma from people I trusted and strangers alike.

I have found delight in my disease.

Like I said before many people who know my wife and I would say we have a marriage that is the envy of most. Being sick, being unsure about the future even possibly life itself shone a light on a marriage that had become distant. I had used anger and other PTSD responses and even my diseases to define me and therefore define my marriage. Oh, we loved each other, we were passionate about each other, but we had also become used to the things that no one should accept and comfortable with things that were less than desirable. I learned to cope and so did my wife but to cope is not to thrive, to accept what is less than the best is only to survive.

It hasn’t been easy.

I wouldn’t wish what we have and are going through on anyone. Still, as I laid in bed praying with my wife, I thanked God for my sickness and for the change that it has brought in our marriage. Paul said, “I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.”  Philippians 4:12 (NIV) Far be it from me to add to what Paul said or to the Bible but I do think it is important to remember to learn the secret of being content is good but to become complacent is not. I had become complacent which had masqueraded as contentment but now, through the toughest of times I am content not with where I am but with where I, and my wife, are headed. “I can do all this through him who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:13 (NIV)