It’s a strange time in my life. I wrongly assumed that the things I have done and continue to do would have reached more people. Somehow, I came to the conclusion that the things I love to do like writing blogs, plays and music, my book, leading worship and preaching sermons would lead to a wider audience. I’m not saying I expected to be famous or even well known. I’m not going to lie; I dared to dream once in a while that I could be more than I am, be someone who’s name came up when people talked about this thing or that thing  but now my dreams can be best described as backwards. Instead of a vision of what I want my future to be, my dreams revolve more around the past and the question, “What if?”

I am not old to some of you.

I am old to others. Let’s face it, if you want to make it in this world you need to be young or at least younger. What does that mean? Some who read this will look at my 58 years of life as being not that old while others, if they are willing to even read a blog let alone one written by someone just short of 60, will see me as ancient and irrelevant. I have experience; doesn’t seem to matter. I know about life; doesn’t mean a thing. For those who are younger, experience and knowing about life does not make me cool or whatever the “in” term is for being cool, see I am old and stuck in my ways, I can only come up with the word cool. For those who are older, my experience and knowing about life comes up short compared to theirs. I might even be considered cool by them, highly unlikely but even if they think I am cool I’m not old enough, experienced enough, I do not know enough about life to be listened to. What if?

 I’ve had a lot of opportunities.

I’ve done a lot of different things. I’ve played so many parts in so many stories that I’m not really sure who I am. If you were to ask me what personality type best suits me, A or B, I would have to correct your assumption and say I am neither A or B I am both. I am a highly driven overachiever that loves creating processes, manuals and systems to take what is penciled in and replace it with block letter written in Sharpie. I love to break things down, study them, understand them, make them better. I like numbers and policies, rules and regulations. I don’t like any downtime; I want to work, work, work. If it’s not broken, does not need to be fixed, you’re not looking hard enough, trying hard enough and after looking and trying harder if it’s still not broken, break it and rebuild it better. If this seems to be over the top you should try being in my brain because right beside this highly motivated person lives someone who loves to daydream, write love songs, act, direct and write plays, create blog posts and write books, perform music, and take long walks in the park just to breath in the beauty. I like to inspire people with words of encouragement, sit beside people as they work through the trials of life and on top of that I am a hopeless romantic, married to his high school sweetheart and as madly in love 40 years later as I was when we first got together, maybe more. But what if?

Jack of all trades master of none!

This is where the “what if?” fits in. What if I had concentrated on one thing, maybe two? What if I had taken the time to sharpen my skills in one area rather than trying to do all areas? This simplistic view of where I am and where I could be might have some merit, but life is never that easy. There is more to life than being good at one thing at the exclusion of everything else if you want to truly live a full life, a rewarding life, a life that lends itself to less “what ifs”. Still. What if I dealt with things when they happened? What if I didn’t let the hurts of life go unaddressed? What if I was a better father and husband? What if I wasn’t so shy and reserved, so insecure about my talents? What if I took every opportunity and set out to create more opportunities?

These are all general but if I’m going to ponder the what ifs of the past I might as well rip everything apart. What if I continued to write music and perform not just lead worship? What if I got that lead guitarist that could take my keyboard-based music and give it the sound I envisioned? What if the recordings of our small concerts had the compression needed for play on the internet so people could hear what we sounded like on stage without a stereo? What if I sold my plays and/or even directed them in large churches, maybe wrote more of them? What if I had the guts to promote my book and my preaching or started a podcast or something that grew my audience? What if I was a little slower to anger with my kids and my wife? What if I never got sick? What if I saved up money so we could afford for me to get sick? What if?

 I could go on and on.

No really, I could and can go on and on. In the end what good would it do? I can’t go back and make changes and what I can change now may not make a difference. I am too old for some and too young for others so my “what ifs” amount to dead dreams from my past and impossible visions for the future, but:

What if I look at the past as a training ground for the present and the future and let the One who spoke into nothing and created everything, speak into my life and make the “what ifs” into “what is” His will for my life even if I seem too old and too young to go any further. I am sure I could have done a lot of things differently, but I am just as sure that God will carry out His will regardless of what I will and won’t do!

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.  For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. Romans 8:28-29 (NIV)