This not my normal way of introducing myself. As a matter of fact I have never, until today, introduced myself by saying “I am Mary.” To clear up any misunderstandings that may come from this introduction; my name is Dave and I have no intention of going by the name Mary. However I must, if I intend to introduce myself fully, use the words, I am Mary.

It wasn’t supposed to be this way.

I had it all figured out. I knew what it would look like. Maybe not the exact details or the final destination but I knew where I was going, or at least I thought I did. I am Mary. Now I peer into a dark tomb expecting to see my dead hopes and dreams. I am ready to say goodbye to them. I have accepted that things did not turn out the way I thought they would.

I don’t see what I expect to see.

One more look at the one I trusted with my future. I know the last look will cause an overwhelming flood of emotion. I will be filled with the should have beens and could have beens but I need to take one more look. I need to bury my hopes and dreams with the one I thought would make them all come true. I look but I see nothing, well maybe I should rephrase that, I don’t see what I expect.

My desire to say goodbye, to move on, blinds me.

All hope is gone all dreams destroyed. I am ready to move on. All I need is one last goodbye. I will be at peace, not happy, not relieved but I will be at peace once I can say my final goodbye. They say accepting what has happened is the toughest part. I have done that. I have been able to come to grips with the fact that life will not end up the way I expected it to. I just want to make it official, pay my respects and get on with the grieving process.

I can’t do it, I can’t move on. The one who held all my hopes and dreams, the one who was but is no longer is gone and with him my chance to say goodbye.  I don’t understand why anyone would unwrap a dead body and take it. I don’t know why these shiny beings are sitting where the author of my hopes and dreams should be lying. I really don’t care, I just want to say goodbye and move on.

“Sir, if you have carried him [the author of my hopes and dreams] away, tell me where you have put him, and I will get him [I will go there and say my goodbyes and give the future a proper burial].”

I am Mary, hopelessly alone with my broken dreams trying to make sense of it all.

I have accepted what I once thought was impossible. I have faced what I never could have imagined. I have seen my future destroyed, my hopes and dreams decimated because the one who held them all, the one who could make them all come true is gone. I want to feel his presence once again. I want to experience the hope that only he could give. I want to dream dreams that only he could make happen.

Now Mary stood outside the tomb crying. As she wept, she bent over to look into the tomb and saw two angels in white, seated where Jesus’ body had been, one at the head and the other at the foot.

They asked her, “Woman, why are you crying?”

“They have taken my Lord away,” she said, “and I don’t know where they have put him.” At this, she turned around and saw Jesus standing there, but she did not realize that it was Jesus.

He asked her, “Woman, why are you crying? Who is it you are looking for?”

Thinking he was the gardener, she said, “Sir, if you have carried him away, tell me where you have put him, and I will get him.” John 20:10-15 (NIV)

I am the Mary of John 20:10-15 and I want to be the Mary of John 20:16.

Jesus said to her, “Mary.”

She turned toward him and cried out in Aramaic, “Rabboni!” (which means “Teacher”).

I want to hear Jesus call my name when all hope is gone, my dreams are destroyed and the only conclusion I can come to is that the author of my hope and dreams is no longer.