This not my normal way of introducing myself. As I said in my blog post “I Am Mary” (click here), I have never introduced myself by saying, “I am Mary” and because it may come up after today’s post, I want to assure you that I have never introduced myself by saying, “I am Thomas” until today. To clear up any misunderstandings that may come from this introduction; my name is Dave and I have no intention of going by the name Thomas. However I must, if I intend to introduce myself fully, use the words, I am Thomas.
I am a disciple of Jesus.
I follow His teachings although sometimes I fail to live them out. I seek to know more and desire to spend every possible moment that I can hearing Him speak. I have been known to ask Him for directions as often I am lost, unable to understand where I am being led; “Lord, we don’t know where you are going, so how can we know the way?” John 14:5 (NIV). I am Thomas.
I have no fear of dying, as a matter of fact it may be my default.
There are those days when things seem hopeless, when everything is crashing down and I lose my will to go on. I have no problem following Jesus even if it means death. There are even times when an end to this life is my preferred outcome, my escape from the pain of living in a sinful world; “Let us also go, that we may die with Him.” John 11:16 (NIV). I am Thomas.
People know very little about me.
I have no fame to speak of, I am just a name lumped in with other names of those who follow Christ. I may make a shorter list of those whose call from God was/is also their vocation, still I am no more than a guy who does church stuff for a living. There are other big names who do the same and receive the praise of others. They are well known and will most likely be long after they die. They have had their writing published, read and implemented by many other Christ followers, but me, although I am one of them, I labour in obscurity. I am Thomas.
I have witnessed the miraculous move of God.
I have been present when prayers have been answered. I have seen people healed. I have heard testimony given about the unmistakable intervention of God. I am in awe of what He can do, has done and anticipate what He will do. What I haven’t heard I have read about. Most importantly I have experienced Him enough to know that I can count on Him to do what He promises even though it seems to be impossible. I am Thomas.
Still, I have my times of doubt.
I might have seen it before, I might have heard about it, I might have read about it, but sometimes I still doubt. I need to see for myself. Just because it worked out before doesn’t mean it will work out this time. Just because it came true for others doesn’t mean it will come true for me. My closest friends, my brothers and sisters in Christ may tell me what they experienced, what they saw; if it affects them I believe it but if it affects me I need proof. I am Thomas.
I am Thomas, it is tough for me to have faith sometimes.
And we know [I know] that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28 (NIV). I know that “The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Deuteronomy 31:8 (NIV). I know these promises and many, many more apply to all believers but sometimes I wonder if they apply to me. Sometimes I doubt – I am Thomas.
I am Thomas, if I don’t see it happening I begin to doubt.
You can tell me God is faithful. You can show me the outcome of His faithfulness. You can encourage me with His promises. You can implore me to be patient. In the end if I can’t see it happening, if I can’t touch it or experience it firsthand, I doubt. I am Thomas.
…“Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe.” John 20:25b (NIV)
I am the Thomas but I want to be more.
Then Jesus told him [Thomas], “Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.” John 20:29 (NIV)
I will never fault Thomas for doubting because I do it all the time. I am Thomas but I would like to believe that Thomas learned to believe without seeing, I would like to believe I will learn to do the same.