I have sat down to write this week’s post many times but there are no words. Let me correct that; there are many words but nothing to say. That isn’t quite true; I have a lot to say but nothing that makes sense. Okay, I hope this will be the last correction; many things make sense but nothing seems to be important enough or rather impactful enough to spend time and website space on. I think even worse than important or impactful is the feeling that nothing seems inspired.
It has been a very difficult few weeks.
I said I hoped the correction in the last paragraph would be the last correction but I need to make one more; it has been a very difficult year or three. I never thought things would get to this point nor did I ever think my faith could come under such attack. It is easy to spot Satan’s lies. Okay, time for another correction; some of Satan’s lies are easy to spot. Well, that’s not quite right either; Satan’s lies are much easier to spot when other people are being deceived but when it comes to myself Satan seems to be a little more crafty.
It all started with squirrels in my attic.
For those of you who think I am using a metaphor for my mental condition let me make another correction; the squirrels and my attic are real squirrels in a real attic. Because of the design of our house I can step out of the second story window onto the roof of our garage to deal with these lovely creatures who were using a roof vent as a front door, so that’s what I did. Sadly, the position of my feet on the slope of the roof and the fact I crouched down made my arthritic weak knee self-destruct (I use this term because I am waiting for an MRI to understand the scope of the injury).
Just a slight correction.
In keeping with the theme of correcting myself in this post; I went out on the roof and hurt it and then after giving in and seeing a doctor a week and a half later, I felt better so I went out on the roof again. You guessed it, I was not better; as a matter of fact I became much worse. If you didn’t guess it then please allow me to once again correct myself; you didn’t guess it, I was not better…! Close to 5 weeks of no more than 20-30 minutes of sleep at a time takes its toll on you. Another small correction; I did have 3 nights of 6 hours sleep and a few more where I slept an hour or two at a time but you get the picture.
I have no idea why I went out on that roof.
Okay, I know I went out because of the squirrels but why did I choose to do it personally? I have health issues, I’m not supposed to be doing these sort of things. I have no idea what possessed me to think I was okay to go out on the roof. Sorry, another correction to my story; I went out on the roof because for the first time in years we have found a combination of surgical procedures, pain and nerve pain medicine that give me some pretty good days and this was one of them. I knew that I may end up a little tired and may pay with a few days of downtime but I got to do something I wanted to do with very little pain. I think I should be allowed to go on the roof if I feel good.
Okay, I know better.
I took a risk. I can have poor balance no matter how good I feel but I was careful and I was near the middle of a big roof, I wasn’t going to suddenly become weak and collapse. That’s not true either; a recent tentative diagnosis suggests otherwise. Even without the diagnosis I have known for some time there is a problem. Suddenly muscles being used become weak and even unresponsive. I should be glad all that happened on the roof was I hurt my knee. During my last episode I couldn’t lift my legs up to put on my pants. I looked at them, I told them to move but they just stayed there on the floor.
I wasn’t scared, this is just part of life.
Besides, this sort of thing only happened once. Let me clarify. In the past I have had my legs collapse when running, I have had my eye droop, my arms become almost too heavy to lift, on 2 occasions suffered hours of perfectly stacked double vision, I have fought to keep my eyes from drifting in different directions and had my speech become slurred because my mouth was too weak to form the words. Still, none of this happened on a roof dealing with squirrels!
I have corrected many lies and half-truths throughout this post.
The ones I have a very difficult time correcting are the lies Satan has been telling me as I continue to ride this health and, because of limited work, financial roller-coaster. I find myself thinking God hates me, He is punishing me. Satan whispers that God doesn’t care, He will not come through, He doesn’t notice because He doesn’t love you.
Let me correct one more thing:
…in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:37-39 (NIV)