It has been a long road of recovery, one that has and still takes unexpected twists and turns. Pain has not been conquered by medication and treatments. Time may heal all wounds but moving like I am a 90 year old until I am 90 years old isn’t as much time healing all wounds as it is time and wounds finally matching. Through all this there is one thing that hurts the most and it probably isn’t what you would expect.
It all started with squirrels in my attic.
If you think I need professional help you are right. I need a wild animal control company to remove the squirrels in my attic; what were you thinking? I tried myself and all I ended up with was pain. The morning after the first time I went out to spray repellent on the roof vent the squirrels were calling their front door, my knee didn’t feel quite right. It got worse throughout the week until I couldn’t sleep at night.
The morning after the second time I went out to spray repellent on the roof vent the squirrels were calling their front door, my knee, that had started to feel better, felt even worse than the first time. I was waking up all night long even on strong painkillers and I had to use a cane. It hurt but it wasn’t what hurt the most.
It got worse when I got slushed.
This, like “squirrels in the attic” is not a metaphor. I got out of my car the way I would if I did not have an injured knee because I had a brace on and it was feeling better. With only my bad leg out of the car I attempted to stand up but I was in a mixture of snow and slush. As my foot slid out from under me I could feel the metal supports in the brace dig into my leg as my knee collapsed. Good thing I had the brace on! I hobbled into the store, did my shopping, then back to the car. I was in pain, more pain than before. It hurt but it wasn’t what hurt the most.
I went to the hospital, it was draining.
The pain increased to the point that I couldn’t stand the weight of the blankets on the bed. The brace would hurt beyond anything I had ever felt but if I took it off, my knee would shift bringing on a totally different type of pain. Sleep was limited and even when I did get an hour here or there it was not deep sleep. The hospital drained my knee and that night I slept. The next night I slept. The next night and day was back to the same old pain. I was on crutches to protect the knee even more and protect me from a fall but nothing seemed to take the pain away. It hurt but it wasn’t what hurt the most.
I got iced.
The lack of sleep and pain began to wear me down. My whole body hurt. For years I have been able to manage the symptoms of fibromyalgia but it was back with a vengeance because of the lack of rest. My myasthenia gravis intensified often leaving me weak, unable to talk properly, focus my eyes and swallow pills for short periods of time. I must have decided that this was not enough so I slipped on the ice. My crutches saved me from falling but now my collarbones, shoulders, hands and hips hurt worse than my now healing knee. It doesn’t help that the fibromyalgia intensifies pain so you never know how much is injury pain and how much is neuropathic pain. I was in pain, more pain than before. It hurt but it wasn’t what hurt the most.
This is what hurt the most.
I sat in the coffee shop with a group Christian men. We have been getting together for years. A new man joined the group. He immediately took over the conversation talking about his spiritual experiences. I am a little Pentecostal in my leanings so I was comfortable with some of the more “supernatural” experiences he related to the group. Then he began to explain the relationship between the amount of faith you have and healing and prosperity. I sat there in pain that far exceeded the illnesses and injuries I was experiencing.
Then my alarm went off. The regulars all know when Dave’s alarm goes off it is time for my meds. I just stared at my water afraid to take the pills, after all I was trusting medicine not God, where was my faith? I sat in the coffee shop, sick, injured and because of my limitations almost penniless being told that those who have faith are free from sickness and worries about money. This is what hurts the most.
This is all I have to make the hurt go away.
…we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. Romans 5:1-5 (NIV)
Note: I have not been able to read as many of your blogs as I would like, I hope you can understand why