I’m Pretty Sure My Hair is Calvinist!

It has been a busy week. I only had enough time to repost something I found from years ago. Not much time to reflect, not much time to even take a breath. The lack of oxygen and rest at that time and now, could be the reason that the only moment I had to sit and think led me to come to the conclusion that my hair has its own doctrine.

Total Depravity.

My hair does not seem to know that by nature it can’t choose to do the right thing. My hair will not embrace its original designed location, its intended calling under the perfect plan. My head keeps trying to tell my hair that it is going against its perfect design but only some will listen, only some seem to recognize that the way they naturally choose is not the perfect way. These are the ones that remain attached to my head.

Unconditional Election.

Based on my observations, there is no rhyme or reason to the pattern in which my hair has vacated my head. Some hair appeared to be thick and healthy leading me to believe it would be there until my dying day while other hair was thin and weak which to me suggests that it would be the least likely to remain but this seems to have no effect on the outcome. There is some other basis for my hair loss which relies on other factors far beyond my understanding to determine which hairs are saved and which are lost.

Limited Atonement.

All that lotion and all those potions that I put on my hair and still only a select few have been saved. The bottles have the objective clearly stated; this cream or shampoo has been designed to save those who would be lost but it appears that only certain ones are saved. The rest did not seem to even have a chance to be saved, almost as if the lotions and potions weren’t created to save them.

Irresistible Grace.

It doesn’t seem to matter how short I cut my hair or how poorly I take care of it. Bleached by the sun or moisturized by all natural ingredients, shaved or left to be long and unruly, nothing seems to dictate which hairs stay and which are lost. It is as if some can’t help staying no matter what happens. I am not sure if they have some internal irresistible need to stay connected but they stay even when many of their friends don’t.

Perseverance of the Saints.

I know it isn’t nice to play favourites but that being said, any hair that is not lost is a saint to me. To see the hair on the sides and back continue on even when the other hair on the top is taking off says a lot about the character of those that remain. I know that those chosen hairs both on the sides and back of my head as well as the late bloomers in my nose and ears as well as on my back will persevere and not be lost.

It’s been a long, hard week so I needed a lighthearted blog post.

Maybe I am the only one who got a laugh out of it. My guess is my Calvinist friends may not have laughed or at least they won’t admit it. My Arminian friends, if they share my sense of humour, may have had a little chuckle because I applied theology to my hair loss. Some will be very upset that I had fun with their sacred doctrines. Others are thinking that this post somehow supports their belief that Arminianism is good doctrine and Calvinism is just plain silly. Why don’t we all just have a good laugh unless you don’t find this funny. You may not be one of the elect who find my humour irresistible!

I just realized that my belly is actually an Arminian.

My six pack abs* craved junk food and started to fall away. As if the thought wasn’t bad enough, once they slipped up and made me eat some of that horrific, from the pit of hell saturated fat. Yes you guessed it, all that thinking and partaking and now they are lost. They can only be saved if they turn from such evil foods as French fries and pizza, never thinking about them or eating them again. Be warned my beautiful six pack of gorgeous stomach muscle, every time you feel empty you will be tempted. Every time you pass a taco stand or a donut shop you will want to fantasize about leaving your strict way of life. Don’t even think about, if you do you cannot remain perfected and you will be lost.

* The author of this blog made a fair and accurate representation of his hair loss but he may have slightly grossly exaggerated the appearance of his stomach.


  1. I am not your typical Calvinist (Presbyterian). I was doubling over in laughter. As you put in a replied comment. I guess I am predestined to laugh. And there is little time for us in this life. Offense wastes time. Besides, Calvin never created the TULIP acronym. Others used it to explain Calvin’s theology.

    Liked by 1 person

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