It is no longer a secret. I have shared this information with people who are close to me and now I share it with everyone. When my wife and I sat down to talk I didn’t know what to expect. She just looked at me with very little emotion. Every so often she nodded showing she agreed with what I was saying or that she was already aware of what I thought was a secret. It’s not that I had the affair in secret, no, it was quite the contrary. Everyone who has seen me in the last 30 years or so, has not only seen me with me affair partner but has for the most part thought we were happy together. They also saw me with my wife and we were happy too, so they said nothing.

It is actually the second affair I have had.

The first affair started within our 3^rd year of marriage. I had flirted with my affair partner for a long time but never opened myself up enough to have an actual affair for quite some time. I need to clarify something. This is the second affair I have had on my wife. I have had multiple affairs on someone else. It appears that my ability to stay within the confines of a committed relationship to get what I need is not something I have mastered. You would think I would learn but I have not.

Maybe the stakes are not high enough.

I am still married and the other person that I had an affair on is still very close to me. I understand that grace can only go so far especially when someone like me takes advantage of it but it seems that even though I have disappointed those with whom I have my strongest bonds, we are still together.

Why do I keep doing it?

I don’t know, I just do. It’s always the same temptation. Sure, each one looks a little different but for the most part I go for the same type of affair partner. One thing changed about what attracted me to my affair partner. I changed after the first affair that I had on my wife. I made my wife and my faith a priority. That would make what I am about to say seem both logical and unacceptable at the same time. My affair partners changed from nonchurch to churched partners. At least I was choosing godly ways to fulfil my needs.

My wife saw it that way to.

My wife knew exactly what I was doing and never said a word. Not only didn’t she complain, she supported me! She was often by my side as I romanced my affair partner. She would even join in at some events. I guess that’s why when we sat down to talk she just agreed. She wasn’t the only one in the room when I shared my promiscuity, my wondering, my attempts to  to find something more from somewhere else, my other partner that I had cheated on over and over again was also in the room. Not only had I cheated on them both in the past, but I was still cheating on them both now.

Before you get some strange idea about my marriage…

…there are no salacious details, no scenes worthy of a romance novel or an R rated movie. I didn’t do anything that most would call an affair. I did and I have continued to do what most people do, I lived life seeking that great feeling of being someone. I stepped out on my marriage and on my God to seek affirmation from the world and from my job. Before I got together with my wife I was already fooling around on someone I had promised to love and cherish until death… Life was fun, and the world made me feel good. Who needs to old ball and chain, who needs God when everything out there offered me so much, made me feel so good?

Then she came along.

She made me feel good. I was already in a relationship, a relationship which would allow her to join. Instead, I left one behind for the other and when that wasn’t enough, I stepped out and found the world of work. Looking back, if I couldn’t get enough out of my relationship with God, why would adding my wife into the mix make it better? If I couldn’t get enough out of my marriage and of God, why would work fix anything? When my job ended, my wife was still there and so was God. Things got better, much better. I was a worldly workaholic but now I was reconnected with my wife and God. My commitment went even further; I was committed to full time ministry.

The church is meant to be the bride of Christ not its pastor’s mistress.

Or any other Christ followers mistress. Let me make this very clear, I was not doing anything in my ministry that was questionable. I did not lead anyone astray. I did however, search for meaning in my accomplishments and approval in my actions. It was not arrogance, it was quite the opposite; it was insecurity. I wanted to prove my worth to my wife and to my God. I wanted approval from them, but I wanted to earn it rather than enjoy it because I already had it. You don’t have to be a pastor to fall into this trap. We all are tempted to seek affirmation outside of our relationships instead of in them, especially with God.

I go outside the relationship for something that should only come from inside the relationship in the hope that what I find outside of the relationship will somehow make the relationship better and so the circle begins! I want to feel better about me in my relationship, so I go looking outside the relationship for something to make me feel better about me. While I am looking outside the relationship, I am no longer giving my all in the relationship. The distance created by not being present in the relationship makes me feel worse about me. I want to feel better about me in my relationship, so I go looking outside the relationship for something to make me feel better about me…

You shall tear down their altars and break their pillars and cut down their Asherim (for you shall worship no other god, for the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God) Exodus 34:13-14 (ESV)